Soaked to the bone after loading groceries in a downpour, I sat in the drivers seat and burst into tears. Any other night I might have felt conspicuous sitting in parking lot crying and yelling at God, but tonight under the wet blanket of stormy darkness I felt invisible...to all. Freezing and tired, I decided I could wrestle with God on the drive, so off I went.
Oh how the rain was pouring and in the dark that made the road all but disappear. In the van tears left my cheeks more streaked than the windshield...and the road a blurry mess in front me.
As I drove, I cried...and yelled. "What? What do you want from me? I have set aside everything to do what you keep putting in front of me -- my husband, my children and women's ministry. And yet, I'm miserable. Nothing is easy, nothing is easy. What? What am I missing?" My only answer the annoying squeak of my windshield wipers.
I babbled over and over about all I am doing or giving up. Admitting that I don't do anything in my life to perfection right now, but I was trying.
"WHAT?" I bawled. I am doing everything I can.
And then words flooded my memory, just this morning at church a man was discussing his walk into full time ministry and the lessons he's learning. "...it is not about what you do or think you should do for God...He just wants to love you..." (might not be verbatim, but that's what my heart heard and remembered).
"I don't have time." Yes, you do. There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven. Ecclesiastes 3:1
"I'm always tired." Rest in Me. He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1
"I'm doing all this for You." Like a lightening bolt straight from heaven, my heart sunk. I'm not doing anything for the Lord or with Him...I'm doing it because I feel like I should. Obligation is such an enemy to our joy. No wonder my heart is heavy, my feet are sore and my attitude is worthy of a mamma-sized time out.
I've lost my joy.
The good news is...I can turn my eyes to the lover of my soul and begin to remember His songs of love and grace. And then while He sings over me (He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17), I'll find my joy...I'll find my smile (even while I do laundry!).
So, today, my sweet Jesus. As the rain continues to pour down and obscure the outside world let me rest in You. As the waves of fatigue, four-year-old drama and "why's" from the two-year-old quizmaster continue to batter me let me remember that You've called me to these moments and You are right here, smiling with me.