Friday, May 20, 2011

Lost is Not Lost if You Know Where You Are

Six months ago I knew where I was, knew where I was headed, and knew where I had been.

Every thing was in its place.

In the past two months I have felt like I was at the center of a cosmic game of 52 card pick up. Only the cards were the pieces of my life that had been neatly ordered and set in a row.

I was lost.

Am lost. Still. Kind of.

I still have no idea where God is leading in this season of change and transition. Some days I weep for the emptiness of friends, serving and calling. When you pin labels to yourself in search of definition, meaning and worth what is left when the winds of change blow away the words that make up you? Is my calling a thing of the past now that my seat sits empty in a hall that doesn't miss me?

And yet! In the midst of uncertainty and insecurity. I find myself leaning into a great big God. I find joy in the bubble covered laughs ringing from the hallway bathroom. The sing-song echoes from under the green canopy out back chant of rain, wetness, a spring refreshed and alive. My husbands eyes are wild with love and a childish fire, so green and piercing it takes my breath away. The feel of sewing scissors in my hand as they carve a path through cheery fabric on a voyage in a young girl's dream makes me feel hopeful and capable. The delight of cooking, creating, growing and tending falls a new on a tired, recoiling soul.

Inside this great big God. Enveloped by His love and grace I am alive and whole. Not burdened or hurried.  Not beat down or wound up. I am me. I am what He has called me to be.

Somewhere in the heavenly whispers of love I find a moment so pure and beautiful it aches to be expressed. To be breathed and lived. Love. Hope. Grace. Mercy. Jesus. Me.

As I sit smack dab in the middle of days marked with a search for what is the new normal He has created for us, I begin to wonder how to live both. If these doors opening around us and opportunities laid in front of us are what our new callings, service and ministry look like. Is there a way to know before you know? A  way to try it on without stepping front of the mirror?

Probably not. And that's okay.

This time off has taught me that lost is not lost if you're lost in a big God. Where there is no beginning or end, just love and a holy fire. And, perhaps, our world was rocked so that we could stop doing for Him and remember what it is to be with Him. To breathe Him. To love Him. To sing with and for Him. To lean into Him.

So lost, is not lost. When you know where you are. Kind of like being a are always at home when you carry Home with you.

Father, thank you for the moments of uncertainty and the loss of all that seems familiar in safe. In the day in day out of this life it is easy to miss you and lose you and turn away from you. But when all is stripped away and there is no work or serve or do...just You. Life is sweeter. Slower. Pure. Help me to stay lost in You, even when I know where we're headed! Amen.

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