Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Let the Wringing Begin

Last year God met me in a hotel in North Carolina, not to teach me of ministry or speaking, but to heal my heart. He used the work of others and some of His gentle daughters to touch my heart and to begin lifting me out of the well of Postpartum Depression.

When I returned home after last year's conference the dark clouds that had hung over my head and heart for a year (almost) were gone. I greeted my husband and children as a smiling, happy woman; something I hadn't been able to be or find since before the birth of my son.

Returning to She Speaks this year I had no idea, I mean NO idea, what I was there for. Weird to answer a call to do something and have no inclination as to why. I told Lysa on Friday night at the little bloggy get together that I came as a sponge and God would do the wringing out later.

I had no idea the wringing had already begun or just how painful it would become.

Friday afternoon I visited the prayer room. What an awesome (in the true sense of the word) place that is. God meets you in there. It is as though Luann and her team had created a place for Him to dwell and beckon you in. And there, waiting for you on the tables, is a God-sized message on a tiny slip of paper.

Each woman from the conference has a slip of paper with her name on it. The P31 team prays, and prays, over the names. Then with prayer again they ask God where to set the names down. On three tables in the room there are large sheets of paper, each one with a name for God on it. Being God's hands they lay the names around the papers....right where God wants them.

When I found my name I thought my knees were going to fall out from under me. Here is what I found:

Jehovah - Rapha
The Lord Who Heals
God has provided the final cure for spiritual,
physical and emotional sickness in Jesus Christ, God can heal us

My God who met me in that very building last year reached down from Heaven and kissed my cheek.

I was so excited I called my husband, I sought out some P31 team members, and even told perfect strangers. I had no idea God wasn't done whispering to my heart yet.

As the weekend went on and I moved from one session about writing to the next the direction God was pushing me in was becoming more clear. And the more God showed me that He wants me to write about being a birthmother the more I resisted him. I'll be honest, I don't want to. I know that writing about my unexpected pregnancies, handing my child to another woman to raise, and the days since then I will face rejection, judgment and vulnerability that I know I cannot handle.

And slowly God started whispering to my heart, again.

I am the Lord who heals. Let me have those dark places. Let me heal your heart and use it to heal others. Wendy, don't let her walk alone.

I don't want her to walk alone. That woman who thinks the grief will kill her after saying goodbye to her baby. That sweet young girl who is sitting in an abortion clinic thinking this is the "easy" way out of her troubles. The young woman who just figured out a little plastic stick can change your life in an instant.

Father, You promise to heal the brokenhearted and bind up their wounds. And how I cling to that promise today as the tears roll down my cheeks. I am scared and hurting, but I know others hurt worse and have so much more to fear. I thank you turning my ashes into beauty and my pain into light. Help me Father...I can't do this. Only you can.


Bonita said...

What a beautiful testimony, Wendy! said...

Wendy, thank you for being obedient. The tears are flowing as I see yet another life altered by pausing in the prayer room.

The first time I told my story I thought I would vomit. But God gently took me step by step, giving me only what I could handle.

May I lift a prayer for you now:
Father, my friend heard your voice whisper, "Share the pain so others may know my healing power." Will you surround her now with your angels to guard her? Protect her heart and mind from Satan who will try to put doubt and fear there. Give her unexpected confirmations that this was Your Way and others are already blessed because of it. Flood her soul with peace, Your Peace that replaces the anxious moments with calm. Lord, we stand amazed at how this little band of women are woven together in your tapestry of love. Bless Wendy and her family I pray, in Jesus' name, amen.

~Grace and Peace said...

What a beautiful testimony. You have your mission. Go where God leads you, my dear sister in the Lord. You'll never know when YOU can change someone's life.

Susan said...

Oh, precious friend! This is a powerful post and one that brought tears to my eyes. I am so proud that you are being obedient to Him...His timing is perfect. I will be lifting you up in prayer as you seek His will and follow Him one step at the time.

Love you!

Lelia Chealey said...

This is beautiful Wendy!!

Molly Lewis said...

My sweet new friend, Wendy, I am praying for you! Your comment " I don't want her to walk alone." is so powerful - it speaks volumes about what our Lord wants to do through us as we tell our stories. Satan would have us keep it all bottled up so that other hurting women think they are the only ones, who think they are condemned, unworthy, unaccepted...the list could go on and on. It is a scary thing to open up and allow ourselves to be vulnerable. But we know that when God leads us, He will also strengthen, guide and protect us. I pray that you will know His strength, His love, His guidance and His protection as you step out in faithful obedience. I know that the women He will bring to you to find healing will be ever so glad that you did!


Brandi said...

I wish I could be there right now to give you a hug and be at your side!!! I remember what you went thru and believe me you are so much stronger then you relize!!!! I hope and pray you will keep at it and follow the path he wants you to take!!

Brittney said...


Thank you for your obedience! I feel the Lord encouraging me to write a book that is about a painful, close to my heart, subject as well. I would appreciate your prayers that I would know how to write it in a way that encourages and does not negatively affect people close to me.

Leebird said...

Oh my sweet Wendy!

My mind just rested on my birthmother wondering if she will one day hold your yet unwritten book in her hands.

I feel so excited for you! I know it will be hard, but the joy of obedience will blow your socks off!

I love you!

Marybeth said...

Hi Wendy-- I don't know you but I have loved reading your posts! Perhaps we will meet at next year's She Speaks!!

One girl in my evaluation group felt God leading her to share her story of making the mistake of deciding to abort her baby-- interesting that two women both dealing with unexpected pregnancies dealt with them in two different ways and God led them both to share that for the first time at SS this year!

May God bless your story and enable you to share it with those who need to hear it--

Glynnis Whitwer said...

What a beautiful post. After being a part of She Speaks for nine years, I'm totally NOT surprised that God would call you there without you knowing why. And you obeyed!!! That is the amazing part. God is stirring ... He's on the move. We just have to decide to go with Him even when we don't know the desitation. You did. Praise God. Now hang on for the ride.
In His love, Glynnis

Lisa B @ simply His said...

God can be sneaky ;) I felt like I should go to She Speaks, but the way was filled with doubts as I'm sure many are. I didn't know exactly what He had planned for me either -- and I don't think it's a mistake that I found your blog today. Both our names were on the God who Heals.

I thought it was a mistake because I didn't need healing -- at least physically I didn't need healing. But then I caught that little word in there -- emotional. Yep, I could use a lot of that.

I believe God wants us to share our stories -- and the devil wants us to feel isolated and alone. Well, you are not alone in what you are feeling or what you've been through. So share away -- God will use you to bless someone else. I just know it!

Anonymous said...

I can relate to your story..having been a birthmother at a very young age..and I felt so alone, I never told a soul until my 8th month..I found your blog from facebook..and the links for Pro31min..I have a true desire to speak, write and share..and never heard of She Speaks..I can see God is using this time and event for women in ways I hope you were able to find comfort..I thank you for sharing your story..and the many other blogs you have..God Bless

Renee Swope said...

What a beautiful post. I know I am late reading it but it touched my heart so deeply. I pray that you will write that book for birthmothers and God will open the door for you to journey with them to find healing and hope!