I've packed and repacked. Tried on every outfit and vetoed a few...only to repack them. I've worried that my yellow tablet of paper isn't cute enough. I don't have stylish pens. Oh I've even painted my toenails, for goodness sake.
For what? To impress the women at She Speaks. Ugh.
And it dawned on me as I went over my checklist of things to be packed that I'm so caught up in the who's and the what's that I haven't stopped this afternoon to ponder the why.
Why I am going?
The honest answer, I don't know. I felt called and at every turn when I tried to find a reason not to go God stepped in and straighted the tracks for me to roll on through. No really, He did. At one point, as I was debating about canceling my registration I got an email that I already had money in my scholarship account (pretty impressive for a girl who hadn't mailed any letters or made an requests!). Some one's clerical/bookkeeping error LAST YEAR made it so they sent a check in months after the conference was over, but just in time to be an answer to prayer when I asked, "Do you really want me to go?"
I took that as a yes.
Oh, yes, I do know, that I am going because God said, "come". I don't know His why, but I shouldn't need to. In my haze and insecurity I have been chosing to focus on all things safe and controllable. Not surrender to the fact that God's doing something here and I can either be obedient and willing or possibly miss out on a huge opportunity and blessing that God has in store.
Tonight, I am humbled. So badly this past year I have wanted, yearned, to be find where God wants me to be. To find what it is He is asking of me. Since I so clearly thought I knew last year before so many details in my life were changed. So now, as I am girl without a ministry on the edge of the first big step in obedience I will stop worrying about my hair, clothes and superficial stuff.
I wonder, what would my life be like if everyday I thought less about what the world thinks of me and more about what God thinks and wants? Imagine striving to be the best you God made and not caring if they noticed your Wal-Mart sneakers or your chipped nail polish. What would that look like? What would you look like inside and out?
Father, I praise Your for pricking my heart this evening. For reminding me that what You have in mind is so much bigger than these trivial things that I get lost in. I beg You -- open my heart and my eyes this weekend. Allow me to be the woman You are calling me to be. Amen.