I hate the way I look. Can I just share that with you right now?
We just got back from a vacation at the beach and I have been going through the photos. I just cherish the moments we freeze to look back on, and I cherish the ones that I'm not in even more.
We're not talking a feature here or there that I am unhappy with. I'm talking don't like to look at the photos for the harsh reality of what I have become. I'm fat. In my minds eye I often view myself as the thinner (I have never been thin or "skinny" so let's just go with thinner) twenty something I was. I don't look at my body in the mirror...at all. I look at my face so I can pluck here or there or apply some sort of makeup or even do my hair. Beyond that I ignore the mass I've become.
That is until this week. Why does it bother me now? I don't know. I'm no heavier now than I was a year ago. Dunno.
I know where you think this is going...I need to diet, lose weight, whatever. And while that is true and I do hope that I can get there that's not what I was going to tell you. Stick with me here. But wait, oh, don't get me wrong -- I'd love to lose weight, know something about nutrition or training or even just have the energy and discipline to get started on working out -- but tonight as I changed into my jammies and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror God whispered something to my heart.
The king is enthralled by your beauty. Psalm 45:11
I just teared up standing there looking at the mirror. Everyday I grumble about some feature or part of my body. I always have. I've grown up with a very poor self image (which explains a lot of the trouble I've gotten in and the habits I've formed, including overeating) and I've never learned to "love myself".
Yet, He does. He knows every dark detail and ugly truth, still He is enthralled by me? Lights on or lights off, I still shine with Jesus's light to Him. Size 8, 10, or 16, my heart is still full of God-sized dreams and passions that He designed me to do. Me? He finds me beautiful? I don't get it. Just don't get it.
There is a song "Measure of Beauty" by Lindsey Kane that was likely inspired by this verse (at least the opening). Lindsey sings "give me eyes to see the way You measure beauty". Oh how I want that. I want to see how God measures beauty and feel it.
I often pray for God to give me His eyes for other people, especially those I find hard to love. You know, God let me see them through your eyes, so that I may see their beauty and worth. That kind of prayer.
Tonight, I pray that prayer for me. God, give me your eyes for me. Let me see my beauty in You...to You.
It is my hope (and prayer) that as God helps me see the woman I am in Him...to Him...that perhaps I can learn to "love myself". That I can celebrate family photos for the memories they'll bring us all, not cringe or be embarrassed by my weight or looks. That I will be healthier and better equipped to play and parent my little ones. That I can surrender one more stronghold in my life to Him.
Listen to Lindsey's song, make it your prayer too, won't you? Join me in asking God to open our hearts and eyes to see each other and ourselves as He does. Let Him sing over you through this dear talented sister.