Monday, July 13, 2009

The Way That You Measure Beauty

I hate the way I look. Can I just share that with you right now?

We just got back from a vacation at the beach and I have been going through the photos. I just cherish the moments we freeze to look back on, and I cherish the ones that I'm not in even more.

We're not talking a feature here or there that I am unhappy with. I'm talking don't like to look at the photos for the harsh reality of what I have become. I'm fat. In my minds eye I often view myself as the thinner (I have never been thin or "skinny" so let's just go with thinner) twenty something I was. I don't look at my body in the all. I look at my face so I can pluck here or there or apply some sort of makeup or even do my hair. Beyond that I ignore the mass I've become.

That is until this week. Why does it bother me now? I don't know. I'm no heavier now than I was a year ago. Dunno.

I know where you think this is going...I need to diet, lose weight, whatever. And while that is true and I do hope that I can get there that's not what I was going to tell you. Stick with me here. But wait, oh, don't get me wrong -- I'd love to lose weight, know something about nutrition or training or even just have the energy and discipline to get started on working out -- but tonight as I changed into my jammies and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror God whispered something to my heart.

The king is enthralled by your beauty. Psalm 45:11

I just teared up standing there looking at the mirror. Everyday I grumble about some feature or part of my body. I always have. I've grown up with a very poor self image (which explains a lot of the trouble I've gotten in and the habits I've formed, including overeating) and I've never learned to "love myself".

Yet, He does. He knows every dark detail and ugly truth, still He is enthralled by me? Lights on or lights off, I still shine with Jesus's light to Him. Size 8, 10, or 16, my heart is still full of God-sized dreams and passions that He designed me to do. Me? He finds me beautiful? I don't get it. Just don't get it.

There is a song "Measure of Beauty" by Lindsey Kane that was likely inspired by this verse (at least the opening). Lindsey sings "give me eyes to see the way You measure beauty". Oh how I want that. I want to see how God measures beauty and feel it.

I often pray for God to give me His eyes for other people, especially those I find hard to love. You know, God let me see them through your eyes, so that I may see their beauty and worth. That kind of prayer.

Tonight, I pray that prayer for me. God, give me your eyes for me. Let me see my beauty in You.

It is my hope (and prayer) that as God helps me see the woman I am in Him...that perhaps I can learn to "love myself". That I can celebrate family photos for the memories they'll bring us all, not cringe or be embarrassed by my weight or looks. That I will be healthier and better equipped to play and parent my little ones. That I can surrender one more stronghold in my life to Him.

Listen to Lindsey's song, make it your prayer too, won't you? Join me in asking God to open our hearts and eyes to see each other and ourselves as He does. Let Him sing over you through this dear talented sister.


Jackie said...

Wendy, I luv this post. Let me tell you honey, I'm an blessed empty nester with grown kids and one thing I've found that through every stage of life (so far) young-motherhood season, teenager-motherhood season (yikes!), and a "little more seasoned" womanhood, perfect size 10 or size ?? and whatever age or stage - we gals seem to fall into the trap of questioning our beauty and self worth. I luv your statement "Size 8, 10, or 16, my heart is still full of God-sized dreams and passions that He designed me to do" . What a reminder and encouragement to me and others that in every stage and every age, the king is enthralled with our beauty - We are his precious daughters!
P.S. See ya at She Speaks!!

Rachel Olsen said...

I know this post touched people Wendy b/c so many can relate. I sure can!!

Me and several of my girlferinds - you know the ones - have lost weight this spring/summer. Email me if you want advice.

But you've got the more important part down ... praying to see yourself as God sees you.

See you soon! ~ Rachel

Runner Mom said...

I love that Lindsay Kane song too! And the "king is enthralled by your beauty." Don't forget that ever!! He loves your heart and how beautiful you are inside and outside!! You are just precious, and I can't wait to see you in a few weeks.


Paula (SweetPea) said...

Wendy, I came to thank you for your sweet comment since I wasn't able to simple reply via email with the no-reply-blogger. I read your post and how touching. How wonderful that God has given you a glimpse of how He sees you. I believe He's whispered this into your heart and He will continue to woo you until you believe it in your heart too.

I know what you mean about having never been satisified. I can remember my HS days and wishing I was thinner. Oh what I would give to be that size again. Thinner. It seems grass is always greener on the other side. If we can only begin to see it's not, and sometimes it's only the edge that's greener but if we fully jump the fence we will find dead grass.

A little long-winded rambling...more than you expected in a comment. Sorry about that.

Danielle said...

Oh, sister I hear you!! I have dealt with weight issues and insecurity issues my whole life... but God is in the healing and eye-opening business.

I love how real you are through your posts! And thanks for the link to that song. I've never heard it before. LOVE IT!

That we would see ourselves through His eyes... through His heart. Whooo what a picture!